DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA! Here's Why:
by Mr. Cobrah Thunderer
Summary: Tonks explains exactly why she hates her first name so much among other things in a binding legal document.


_**My First**_ **Officially Notarized Legal Document 3**

Dictated (and read) by N.A. Tonks, Hufflepuff (and proud of it!), Official Quidditch

Announcer For Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry/Official Substitute Player for The Hufflepuff Quidditch Team/still waiting to hear back on my application for Prefect/one-time host of Saturday Night Live because Drew Berrymore got sick/Order of Merlin, Third Class/brief time as performer DJ Strange Hair/Unofficial "Crown Queen of Swagger In This Piece."

Composed by Chutnut, single long-eared female House-Elf currently employed at

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

Purpose of this document: to inform the uninformed as to why exactly I do not answer to

the name "Nymphadora" if the answer isn't already obvious except on the rare exception.

To whomever this may concern, Wotcher, _ (your name here)! Allow me to preface this by saying while allow the abilities afforded to me as a Metamorphmagus allow me the privilege to do otherwise, there is little I would do to change myself. Dyeing my hair on the cheap is great and all, plus I've made a killing donating blood (a fantastic combo of type o-negative when extracted, type ab-positive while within my bloodstream, I truly am a medical miracle ;-), but my parents raised me to believe that I shouldn't change for anyone unless I really want to, and I'll always be grateful to them for that. But you know what's one thing I'm NOT grateful to them for? My name!

It may seem strange to you, the average josephine, my utter detestment of such a large aspect of my character, but it's true, I really do hate my name that much. I seemed to recall my Dad once tried to persuade me to be more open about it when I was younger.

"Dora, as a great man once said, a man ain't got nothin' if he ain't got his name!" he had said, brandishing the silverwear he was washing at the time after I pleaded to have it changed for. "I like to think the same thing applies to women, too. Think John Steinbeck said that," he added impressively.

"Daddy, that's blatant lie to make you look well-read in front of Mommy. That quote comes from _The Incredible Hulk_ , Issue 182, " _Between Hammer And Anvil_!" I recited. "And guess what? The guy who wrote that was named Len, of all things, and I'd STILL rather be named "Len" then Nymphadora! What do you have to say to that?"

Then he got kinda flustered and told me that it was about time to get ready for bed.

Now, my middle name and surname is not the issue here. I actually rather like my surname; it doesn't rhyme with anything bad except maybe like "Monks," but that doesn't really come up all that often anyways. I actually think it's hella funny that my last name (or should I say, FIRST NAME yeah first name) derives from the word "tonk" which means "fool or idiot." How many people can claim their family are actual idiots? It's pretty amazing. Also, no relation to the surgeon Henry Tonks. At least, as far as I know, no one ever tells me anything….

As for my middle name, "Annie," chosen by my grandma because of that comic strip she liked when she was a little girl? No objections there! I _adore_ that film, saw it like eight times in theatres. It STILL bothers me that Aileen Quinn nominated for a razzie, by the way, that kid can sing the heck of "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow!"

What was that, Chutnut? Oh yeah, you probably wouldn't know what those are, huh? Well, a surgeon is like a healer for muggles but they cut patients up instead of heal them. A film is like a book that's shown with a bunch of pictures. Although the book is usually better, side characters tend to get kinda screwed over in adaptation, unless they aren't treated the best in the original text in which case the film is an accurate representation of the source material. For some reason that really bothers me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Finally, The Razzies are this event held by a bunch of these yank muggles to give an award to the worst films of the year, because they think it's funny I guess, but between the whole Aileen Quinn thing and the flippin' _Shining_ being nominated, I'm not sure I can really trust them anymore.

Sorry for confusing you, Chutnut, I inherited the motormouth from my Mum and muggle pop culture references from my Dad, it tends to confuse my mates a lot and I'm working on it. No, go ahead, keep all this in, I'm going for a human interest thing with my binding legal document. I wanna class this thing up, y'know, make it pop! Don't want people to be, like, bored by it or anything.

Chutnut, wait, wait, wait, hold up, put the potato peeler down, you don't have to punish yourself! You asked a legitimate question, I'm open to criticism! You don't have to be sorry, OK? And another thing, stop calling me "Mistress Tonks!" Why? It makes me feel weird, dude! My relatives already have a really bad history with the way we treat House-Elves, I'm trying to make some wrong things right, y'know, NOT behead somebody because they couldn't hold up freakin' tea tray due to old age! Man, that story messed me up, gave me nightmares something-

NO, I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO DO THAT YOURSELF SO I DON'T HAVE TO SULLY "MY BEAUTIFUL PURE-BLOOD HANDS!" Technically, by "old money" Pure-Blood standards I'm a Half-Blood, anyway. That's it, give the steak knife to someone else - NO, DON'T STAB _HER_ EITHER! I don't want EITHER of you to die on my behalf, you understand? AUUUGGGGHHHHH so scary! Just - just, Chutnut, could you please just put the steak knife in a drawer or hand it to someone who needs it, don't hurt yourself or another person in the process. Please? Thanks, Chutnut.

Anyway, where was I? Got really distracted there…. ah yes, I was talking about the name Annie. I think another reason I'm really fond of it is because my Grandma got to play her childhood hero, Annie Warbucks herself, in a run of _Annie_! Not the musical you're thinking of, it was in the thirties, wasn't sanctioned by the creator, and the production was shut down pretty quickly and a lot of people lost their jobs. But anyway, good, strong name, no problems with it, _Annie's Song_ by John Denver is my jam.

But my first name… NYMPHADORA… Uggggghhhhhh… So bad on every level. Even pronouncing it makes me shudder. Nym-Pha-Dor-A - ten letters and four syllables of yuck! Just sounds so silly. I'd honestly rather stick my arm in Hagrid's buttcrack then go through the rest of my life being attached to such a dumb-sounding noun. After he ate the "Digestion Disturbance" special at The Three Broomsticks!

To answer your question, yes, I am aware my name DOES sound an awful lot like

"nympho." My dear old Dad, bless his heart, tried to abort this idea as soon as Mum finished suggesting it. This led to an awkward conversation about how Dad had to explain that while he may have mislead his wife and mother of his child as to what exactly the term "nympho" actually meant. But Mum just LOVED the name and wouldn't hear any of it so here I am today, frustrated that my normally fearless father had given in to cowardice, so early in the marriage no less.

And yes, I have heard all the jokes about this. And no, I don't particularly care for them. Please, Charlie Weasley in particular, stop saying things like "You know, Perce, as far as I'm concerned, Nympho-dora is all wet!" It's more disappointing for me to see the art of comedy being wasted on laziness then it was for the painting of Phineas Nigellus to meet his great-great-great granddaughter, namely me.

Also, I don't really care for the portmanteau "Slutz," either. Oh I get it, it's because I'm a

well-documented klutz and am sexually active. Aha ha, you're all _so_ funny, girls in the locker room. Serves me right for deciding my first time should be with Stan "dumbest, blabbiest boyfriend ever" Shunpike. While I loathe the stereotype that Hufflepuffs are useless (*cough cough* NEWT SCAMANDER ANYONE) he does challenge my stance quite a bit, I have to say. Most disappointing forty-three seconds of my life.

Also also also, while I really appreciate the people who enjoy my commentary during Quidditch

matches (and to a lesser extent my brief career as DJ Strange Hair) to death, cannot stress that enough, I must ask that my fans refrain from calling themselves "Nympha-maniacs."

That is why I have created this legally binding document with such a lengthy introduction, to educate the masses as to why and how I prefer to be addressed. Here we go!

 **I.) The vast majority of the time, it's just. Tonks. No need for anything else. Like Mad-Eye Moody said at the end of his disappointing biography; "End of story, goodbye, the end!" (Moody,** _ **I've Got My Eye On You**_ **, Page 272).**

 **II.) There are certain exceptions to this rule - for instance, my parents, even though I hold them both responsible for this travesty I still love with all my heart therefore cannot really stay mad at them for too long. I also have a great deal of respect for a lot of my teachers such as Professor McGonagall, Professor Flitwick, Professor Sprout (who loves me despite the fact that I'm a lot) and of course Professor Diggle (fingers crossed this one stays, he's such a nice guy) so they are cool in my book as well! While not a teacher anymore, Professor Dumbledore is also counted because, well, it's DUMBLEDORE.**

 **III.) Since there are a lot of Weasleys in my life, they deserve a category of their own. Bill, Charlie, and Percy are like the brothers I've never had but I'm still going to say no on principle. Fred and George are maybes. Same for the ghoul in the attic. I dunno about Ron, he doesn't really seem to like me that much. Ginny is a yes on the condition I call her "Ginevra" in return. :-) Molly and Arthur get an emphatic yes!**

 **IV.) "Dora" is an acceptable variant; my family usually uses this when choosing to address me.**

 **V.) I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not believe women who change their name upon marriage are bad people, or that this decision takes away their autonomy and/or identity. As a matter of fact, anyone who is a rude to someone that takes on the name of their spouse, or makes the decision to be a stay-at-home parent, or honestly believes that they are any lesser as women can kiss my ass as far as I'm concerned.**

 **For instance, my Mum changed her maiden name when she married my Dad, raised me to be the spunky heartthrob I am today, and she's the strongest person I know! That being said, I personally do not really want to change my name when/if I get married.**

 **That being said, if Marty McFly from** _ **Back To The Future**_ **(that's another film, Chutnut), proposed to me tomorrow I'd say yes in a heartbeat. What can I say, dude's a Michael J. Fox! Then again, I also think Newt Scamander is kinda cute, so by logical deduction that means I'm into older men I guess? But I'd want to keep my maiden name, something along the lines of Tonks-Fox.**

 **VI.) Break these rules, and I will break you.**

That's about it! Thank you for reading, and whatever you do, say it with me now, DON'T CALL ME. NYMPHADORA!

Luv, your girl Tonks. ;-)


End file.
